I was dealing with a lot of anger and depression. I was grieving - grieving the loss of a part of me.

Sometimes I thought, if I had died, I would not have to deal with any of this, nor would my family and friends have to do everything they had to do to meet my needs. I would not have to come to terms and accept the limitations. I hated asking for help.

I needed to be more than just alive - I needed to live. I knew I had the strength in me somewhere to overcome this, but at the time, I did not know where that strength was.

Thank goodness for all my family and friends who visited and called, and those who lived with me to help. I realized they would much rather fix my meals, help me dress, take me to doctors appointments, or just sit and talk with me, than put flowers on my grave. Thinking it would be better to have died was a selfish thought.

When I started thinking "if I were them", and how good it would make me feel to be able to help, I realized … maybe, even though I can not do much, I am still capable of doing something … maybe, by letting my loved ones help me (not fighting it so much), I am helping them to feel good.

This thought was the first bit of strength I found within myself. Thinking just my being there, was helping others, helped me make it through the days to follow.

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